Welcome to the day after Ground Hog Day. For our neighbors in the northern town of Punxsutawney, it was a rather big day yesterday. For everyone else living on a farm, groundhogs are less than celebrated. As a matter of fact, they will cause a God-fearing farmwife to go out of her way to run them over when behind the wheel, not so much my kumbaya companion but most farmwives. They do indeed cause some wear and tear on equipment. There have been some tragic events in the news this month between the fires in California and plane wrecks. It never ceases to amaze me that before an event is done eventing, the conspiracy theories go wild. A semi-desert climate with fires does not make you think as much about the possibility of a new laser-shooting fire weapon that has been photo-proof, much like Big Foot.
From the moon landing to the assassination of JFK, there are hordes of tin foil helmet-wearing folks with their own spin on reality. I figured today was my day to get in on the action. I have no goal of being the gold medal winner in this category. I am pretty sure whoever started the flat earth theory meant it as a joke. But look how far that got. Heck, Colombus took a chance, and that wasn't more than a boat ride. My joy in conspiracy theories is found when I have a day of never-ending stupid things that I have done. I felt better about myself after a few minutes on the trusty pocket computer. I may have stumbled to the barn because I forgot my flashlight. But at least I am not impersonating Big Foot. So, if you are having one of those days or weeks, I hope you enjoy this month's man blog.
Let us begin with microplastics, which claim that they are everywhere. In the ground, in your brain, every single part of your body has some form of microplastic in it. When I Googled microplastics, it stated they are less than 5 millimeters long. Since I do not intend to learn or convert the metric system, they must have it in inches or beside a radish for comparison. But the ever-knowing Big G does say they are bad, and up to half a percent of the average brain is microplastic. The good news is that enzymes have been engineered to break down these plastics. The bad news is that I would rather not have half a percent of my grey matter broken down. I am picturing a fishing worm farm. I mean, they only eat whatever they eat, but all the dirt along the way is gone, too. At this point, one more time, forgetting where I put my coffee cup while I am holding my coffee cup will be enough to put me over the edge. I do not need a worm-type enzyme to eat my brain to get to microplastics. The obvious solution is to always wear a glass fish bowl over my head to avoid the plastics and enzymes in the first place.
The theory that I had that made me decide to take this blog in this direction was our cell service. It has been unbearably awful for the last two months. The tower hasn't gotten smaller. Our phones and hot spots are the same. For no reason, everything internet-related has become slower here on the farm. For those of you who are fortunate enough to have an actual line running, let me fill you in. A line to be run to our farm would exceed the cost of a car. Once said line was installed on our dime, any of the four houses along the line could tap in. Basically, we would pay for the infrastructure that the company would then be able to bill us and anyone else on the line for. Bad news for them: I am cheap. The icing on the cake was when our neighbor, Mason, worked in Iraq. I am uncertain that Iraq is a third-world country. I am sure I don't want to take the trip and find out.
Nevertheless, Mason had faster internet and more dependable electricity in Iraq than we have on our farm in Western Pennsylvania, United States. But our little wireless connection to the rest of the world, be it slow, was at least tolerable until a few months ago. Now, with my basic reasoning skills, I went through my checklist. There are no firmware updates, no giant mountains formed between the farm and the tower, and no new equipment. Then it dawned on me. They turned down the tower. I think of it as a lightbulb on a dimmer. They dimmed the output to do maps to show how poor rural community cell service is. Why would any company in their right mind make a product of poorer quality? For the love of God, the person-hours and planning to dial back all the service throughout the entire nation would be staggering, not to mention the lost revenue because of the not-cheap section that would jump to Starlink and be done with it. Some folks in high places will take that information from the maps and put out a huge infrastructure deal to improve internet speeds in underserved communities. Boom, just like that, for the cost of a few million in tax money, the dimmer switch will be turned to three-quarters bright, and pockets will be lined. I will also be delighted because those tax dollars that were hard at work worked for me and did indeed return things to alright.
I got a lot of miles out of my cell tower theory and spun it in many directions. I never really noticed that cell issue until the Canadian geese started flying more frequently. This is clearly a preemptive Canadian war plan. 1812 still isn't sitting well with those Canucks, and they have been planning a strike back for years. They have obviously been modifying the genes in the geese so that the feather is just the right length to disrupt cell service here in the US. It would not affect Canadian cell service because they are on some goofy metric frequency. The higher-ups on our side are in on it, too. That was the push for the 5G upgrade. The G wasn't generation as advertised. It was Geese. 5G is more than capable of handling up to five geese per cubic yard without disruption. The Canadians were well aware and had their gene sequencing ready to take out our towers. Our only saving grace was that they did their metric calculations. Long story short, they caught on and are making adjustments and catching up. The only goal of our terrors to the North neighbors is to make us swallow our pride and denounce American bacon for the thinly sliced ham they pass off as authentic bacon. Connect the dots. What country allowed the Chinese spy balloon to travel over the most unpopulated miles? What country acts like they know everything about syrup? What country has been barely, just barely, decent enough as a neighbor to whom we would provide absolutely all of our military support? Not because we like Canada but because they aren't the worst. I'm not actually sure any of the dots are true, but they are funny.
Until next month, I hope you were entertained and feel a bit better about whatever little hiccup you have had recently. Please let me know if you need more off-the-wall theories next month or a list of products that don't need a million variations. Older adults really do understand technology but find it easier to pester their kids vs. Cheez-Its; you don't need to be thin, giant, or different cheese. Don't forget, if you are an elementary school teacher. You will be remembered for generations only if you teach your kids the alphabet backward. Stay safe and wash on.
