Dark Days On The Farm: A Bibbed Wonder Tale Of Woe

My bib overall wearing buddy and his happy pants.

My bib overall-wearing buddy is in the midst of a crisis, sigh. A mid-life crisis where he feels the need to drive fast cars, chase fast women half his age, or have a hair transplant to make him look younger? No, not that kind of crisis. Like The Bibbed Wonder, his mid-life crisis would be more unconventional. Rather than drive a fast car, he would buy farm equipment. Instead of chasing fast women, he would bring home an actual swine to follow through the pasture field and make his soul mate. Instead of rows of hair plugs, he would plant more rows of corn...the open-pollinated, heirloom kind. He's a wild man, that bib overall wearing fuzzy bottoms of mine.

The Bibbed Wonder is in crisis because Carhartt stopped making his denim bib overalls. They haven't stopped making them entirely but have dared to change the design. This has sent my little bald buddy into a tailspin. You see, my bib overall wearing love bunny is a man who resists change. It makes him twitch if I move the furniture arrangement. He has ordered the same meal from our favorite restaurant, Luigi's, for the last twenty-one years. I mean, the exact same meal. He never deviates from the norm: a salad with ranch dressing, a stuffed dough as an appetizer, chicken maria with a side of spaghetti, Italian chocolate chip pie for dessert, and a Coke to drink...always. He wears the same style of shirt, Carhartt t-shirts with a pocket. In the summer, it is a short-sleeved t-shirt; in fall and winter, it is a long-sleeved t-shirt. The color can change, but the style cannot.

For the past two years, we have had difficulty finding the denim bib overalls he likes. They have to be a particular size, two sizes too large, so he can fit long underwear under them in the winter and have enough room to breathe in the summer. His bibs have to be one length too long because my little buddy is built like a full-sized little person. He has a long torso and stubby little legs and arms. However, if the correct length is purchased, he has a bit of a meltdown because they "strangle his boys and give him a wedgie." Sigh, he's such a diva.

The Bibbed Wonder likes the style of bibs he has been wearing for the past twenty-one years. The front has two pockets on the apron with snaps. One pocket is for his phone, and the other is for his wallet. He likes the hammer loop on the left and his utility knife pocket on the right. He says this is the correct and only style that makes sense, and everyone else is "stupid and backward." Well, dear reader, Carhartt has gone and changed the style of all their bibs, and The Bibbed Wonder has made it personal.

The only bib overalls available and the only ones being manufactured now have a zipper where the snaps used to be. Rather than having two pockets, one for his phone and one for his wallet, there is now one big pocket with a zipper. Carhartt has gone insane and put the utility knife pocket on the left and the hammer loop on the right. The denim that is now being used to make the bibs are "too dark" and looks "not cool like his pre-washed bibs." I failed to point out that combining the words "cool" and "bibs" in the same sentence never happened in anyone's world but his. When I informed my little buddy that his "stupid bibs" were the only ones available, he told me to stop trying to ruin his life and informed me my jokes weren't funny.

The offending new style of bib overalls

He had to do the research himself rather than take my word for it. He spent an hour or so looking on various websites for "his bibs." He did not find them, not in his preferred size at least. He cursed, swore, and railed against the "stupidity of the designers at Carhartt." The last and ultimate insult in The Bibbed Wonders world is to condemn the idiot who changed his bib overall style with the phrase, "I hope they get syphilis and die!" That is the worst insult my bib overall-wearing buddy can admonish on anyone. Sigh. Ever since he confirmed his favored style is no more, he has pouted and spewed hateful words for the entire Carhartt company. He refuses to have me buy him new bibs, which he desperately needs. We have looked at other companies, but all other bibs are "stupid." I have even suggested he ask one Janet P. Walker, seamstress extraordinaire if she will make him custom bibs. Just like a petulant child, he refuses to compromise. He says he will continue to take "the smart bibs" to the Amish and have them patched. He is running out of viable material for most of his bibs.

To date, my handsome little farmer is running around in bibs so patched and stitched that they look like a hobo's pants. I will give him a bit of time to grieve his loss, but eventually, his favorite bibs are going to have to go to a big farm upstate and retire forever. Aka, they are going to disappear one by one on garbage day. I will replace the old with the new "stupid style created by an obvious idiot," life will eventually move on. However, until he wraps his little head around the fact that change is imminent, he will be a misery.

I may purchase a pair of bibs from Duluth Trading Company to see if those appease him. Duluth offers a lifetime warranty on their bib overalls. A lifetime warranty sounds appealing and like a good sales pitch. I am sure my bib overall buddy will have something snotty to say about them simply because they aren't "his bibs." One can forget about Dickies or, heaven forbid, Liberty brands. They are "junk" and don't hold up. Who would have thought that bib overall-wearing buddy would be such a brand snob? I told you he is a diva.

For now, the crisis continues. Eventually, he must decide what to do about his little personal crisis. I have a sneaking suspicion he will ultimately become resigned to the fact that he has to wear the bibs with the zipper and incorrect pocket placement. It's either that or, gasp, wear regular pants. Not even I can imagine him in regular pants. He wears buddy pants; that's his thing. If he should choose to wear pants, I may have a crisis.

On this lovely fall day, stay safe, be smart, accept that change is imminent; it makes life easier, and keep washing your hands.