I Am A Red Assed Buffoon

WARNING: THERE IS SO MUCH OVERSHARING GOING ON IN THIS POST!

I readily admit I am a product junkie. I love to try new beauty products. Give me new make-up, serums, shampoos, hair products, or the latest bath product trends, and I will be like a kid in a candy store. Don't get me wrong, I am discerning about the products I try. There are big stores and big brands that are the equivalent of dirty words in my world. Bath and Body Works, Dove, or gasp, Irish Spring, you might as well use the "C" word as speak to me about your use of these products. By the way, using the "C" word is the ultimate swear in my world. Depending on the audience, I will sling the "F" word around like it's nobody's business, but using the "C" word is saved for extreme provocation and rarely happens. Now, back to my story.

I don't know if you know about the latest body care trend, but whipped tallow is all the rage online—every time I scroll through Pinterest or Instagram, an influencer raves about its benefits. I was intrigued but not interested enough to purchase the product they were pushing. Then, a kind, talented, and reputable maker gifted me a jar of whipped tallow moisturizer. The only ingredient was grass-fed beef tallow.

Well, dear reader, I can only say that I did not follow my own advice. I always advise people new to our products or any products to do a spot test before slathering their bodies in them. I should have heeded my sage advice. I showered and did my daily hygiene routine. When I stepped out of the shower, I grabbed the jar of tallow and proceeded to slather myself in beef fat. Sigh.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. I smelled like a Sunday pot roast. The second thing I noticed was the greasy consistency that did not absorb quickly into my skin. Those things can be expected when slathering oneself in beef fat, common sense, right? Ha! I cannot preach about common sense because I lack it. I put the tallow everywhere, and when I say everywhere, dear reader, I mean EVERYWHERE.

So, yes, I'm oversharing; please stop reading if you are easily offended. However, I will press on. My now saggy, draggy, granny bottom cheeks get dry in the winter. I slather our goat's milk moisturizer onto my bottom cheeks every day without issue. I did not think about covering myself with a single ingredient of beef tallow. I simply did what I do every day: I moisturized my bottom.

Let's just say I did not respond well to whipped beef tallow. After an hour or so, I noticed my legs, arms, and, yes, bottom were abnormally itchy. I scratched at them. The Bibbed Wonder informed me I looked like a primate digging its a$$. It did not occur to me that I was reacting to the beef tallow. I dug my arms and legs raw in a matter of minutes. When I used the restroom, the first thing I noticed was the very beefy smell coming from my body. Then, I discovered the mother of all diaper rashes on my saggy, draggy, granny butt.

Have you ever tried looking at your bottom in a mirror, dear reader? I was standing in front of a full-length mirror, with my pants around my ankles, trying to angle a hand mirror so I could see what was happening to my nether regions. It was not a pretty sight. However, I got the right angle and saw my poor bottom. Have you ever seen a red-assed baboon? Yeah, that was my butt. Red, swollen, angry, and oh, so very itchy! I actually gasped when I saw myself.

I immediately got in the shower and washed off the tallow. However, it was too late, and the damage was done. I had angry red scratches up and down my arms and legs. My poor butt was a red, swollen mess and painful to the touch. I decided putting Calmaseptine on my diaper rash was a sensible solution. Wrong! Calmaseptine has a mild menthol tingle to it when used on healthy skin. It is like setting oneself on fire when you have the mother of all diaper rash on your bottom. Then, it gets warm and melts. It travels south to your bottom's more delicate neighbor when it melts. That led to a wiggly dance and yet another shower. Sigh.

It has been four days, and I continue to suffer from my reaction to beef tallow. My skin is a mess. I am using our unscented soaps and moisturizer to calm my angry skin. The rash is clearing; I am not as itchy, but the scratches I inflicted upon myself continue to be angry and sore. Take it from a red-assed buffoon, do a spot test before you cover yourself in anything, even if it is only one ingredient. As my parents used to say, "Do as I say, not as I do."

I am not trying to deter you from using beef tallow if that is your thing. However, I encourage you to proceed cautiously and do a spot test before covering yourself in anything. Lesson learned. I will stick to my soap and moisturizer, which I know I don't react to. I may be mildly biased, but I like how my products make my skin feel. I also like not being compared to a red-assed baboon every time my husband sees me naked.

On this mild December day, stay safe, be smart, don't cover yourself in a new product from head to toe, use common sense, do a spot test, and keep washing your hands...and all your parts if you have an allergic reaction.

The vibe for the day